College . 03/06/2008 09:47 AM . Jonathan Carden

I’m a freshman in college.

I was sitting around talking to some buddies who are in the same “financial bracket” as I am (i.e. “coupon-clipping-five-finger- discount-poor”), and we were collectively trying to figure out what happened to the money we stockpiled in high-school. I was a high roller in high school. I vividly remember going out to eat 4-5 times per week and even tipping the waiter. Even the ones who didn’t do a great job. [ Aside: when I get a crappy waiter, I feel guilty and actually tip more than I normally would… No idea why. Mercy complex, maybe? ].

That was then. Now I subsist on a diet of ice pops and chocolate milk and pray that someone leaves scraps on the plates next to the sink. And I have two jobs!

I feel like I need to analyze the summer of ’07 in order to fully understand where my money went. I mean, I worked diligently, I saved 70% of my earnings without fail, I invested heavily in mutual funds and foreign business ventures, and carefully drew out a budget to prepare me for the next four years of my life.

Okay, so none of that happened. In fact, the opposite happened. Seriously, take what I said and change each word to its opposite. Except the “foreign business ventures part,” because the opposite of that would be domestic business projects, and that’s both untrue and confusing.

Looking back, it seems like the only method of wasting money I didn’t try was using it as kindling. The problem is, I really have no idea WHY I did what I did. There was no real reason. I wasn’t trying to impress people. I just forgot that money wasn’t always going to be with me.

I easily answered my mother’s concerns: “What? No! I can spend money. See, Mom, you actually become wealthier in college. Trust me…I’ve been going to junior college for years now. I think I know a little something about money management.”

To wit: I had money. I spent money. I now have no money.

[ Another quick aside: I’m pretty sure I’m ruining my chances of ever getting another girlfriend with every Kritik article I write…the last one on I hate dancing, this one about how I’m broke… stay tuned for the third installment, entitled, “The Lovable Infection: How I Got Mono and Why It’s Not All That Bad” ]

Thus, at the tender age of 19, I believe I am in a position to give advice to all of you graduating seniors in high school.

Listen carefully: You will be poorer in college than you can imagine.

[ Oh, by the way, if you’re wealthy, just disregard this entire article. Also, I hope you fall in a large hole. ]

I literally have eaten ice pops for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for the past 3 weeks [ I would’ve killed for this when I was 12 but now, hellloooo diabetes! ]. I went from the guy who was like, “This steak just doesn’t quite have the texture I enjoy; I think I’ll give it to my Shi Tzu,” to the guy who’s like, “WHAT? Why would you throw that away? Just wipe it off! A little spit ’n shine never hurt nobody. Throw some ketchup on that sucker!”

Sigh.

I mean, you may not realize this, but buying groceries costs money. I was never familiar with this idea. In the old days, our fridge was magically filled by what I can only assume were house elves who knew of my taste for jerky and salsa.

I forgot to pack the house elves when I made the trek from Texas to Virginia. The other day, I spent $90 at the grocery store, and when I got home, I had no idea what I had purchased. The only substantial food I had made it home with was hotdogs and three frozen dinners. In hindsight, buying 6 different kinds of juices, two 24 packs of sodas, and 5 bags of chips, was a mistake. A grave error if you will. Also, as it turns out, eating the old blue box mac-n-cheese two days in a row can cause significant liver damage.

These are actual meals/combinations eaten regularly among my housemates and I:

• Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, buffalo wings, and chocolate milk.


• Pickles, chips and queso, Sunkist, and toasted bread.


• Pears…and only pears.


• Applesauce, oatmeal cream pie, and Doritos.

Yes, part of this issue is that we’re men, but mostly, it’s because we’re poor. We lived really, really well when we had money, and now that we need it just to, you know, not die, it’s in far shorter supply. In high school, you may have time to put in 40 hours and complete your course work, but in college, getting a full-time job on top of 18 hours almost guarantees those 18 hours will be worthless to you. It’s far more difficult to stockpile funds.

Essentially, college is the “rainy day” everyone’s always telling you to save for.

So, if you’re about to graduate from high school, do yourself a favor, and stop spending money. Immediately. Don’t buy all the appetizers. Don’t shower the object of your last-summer romance with expensive gifts. Beyond the stuff you have to spend money on in college – rent, vast amounts of groceries, etc. – there are many things you can spend money on – ice pops, dance lessons, etc. – and if you’re broke, you can’t do either.

I hope my tale of misfortune has helped scare you straight. Oh, and for the record, ladies, a broke boyfriend is a creative boyfriend…call me.

Jonathan Carden is a freshman in college. He is not actually homeless.


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