College . 03/14/2008 11:14 AM . Stewart Lundy

If you’re female, most people assume you can cook something. But if you’re of the other gender, like me, they assume that you’re not capable of anything beyond peanut butter and jelly. People assume you eat Ramen, Doritos, and applesauce (see Jonathan Carden’s article). Both assumptions are often entirely incorrect. I read a survey once that said 80% of men don’t know how to work a dishwasher. This is a lie. Every man knows how to work a dishwasher. But only 80% are able to convince their wives they’re incapable. The same should be true of cooking. Every man should master the kitchen, but allow his wife to consider it her domain.

Like many of you, I’m in college. Which means I’m poor. In fact, I don’t even have a working car right now. This is largely the DMV’s fault, but it makes me sound poorer.

The best way to solve the problem of poverty is making everything – sustenance related – yourself. Not only does it taste better, but it is healthier and remarkably cheaper. Now, for those of you who buy chips, salsa, and other exorbitantly priced foods, there is hope. At my apartment, aptly dubbed “The Commune”, we buy in bulk and cook in bulk.

Let me help you.

What you can’t steal, buy in bulk, and buy the store brand. You won’t just save a little over a long time; you’ll save a lot immediately. Guys, this means you can buy that Xbox 360 game. No, really. Not only can you eat better—you can play better by eating better.

Flour costs several dollars for a few pounds. This isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great. For a 50-lb bag at someplace like Costco, you can get it for about $0.36 per pound. Not only will you get all your flour shopping done for two semesters in one go, you’ll pay less than $20. And you will eat.

Of course, this assumes you can bake bread.

Cooking is like art, chemistry, or jazz. You learn the rules and then learn to break them tastefully. Recipes are simple and easy. If you’re a guy and need a football analogy, recipes are different plays. A cookbook is just a playbook. Things don’t always turn out precisely the way it says, but if you know what you’re doing, you’ll have a fighting chance

First, a major disclaimer. Like the best of strategies, you have to change based on unexpected acts of God. In football, this is a freak accident where your quarterback gets hungover and doesn’t show up for the big game. In cooking, this is where you realize you’re missing a key ingredient. You don’t just give up.

The best cooking comes from practice and experience, not from mechanical obedience to a recipe. Here’s your first play: bread, which can sustain you eternally, if need be. Guys, get some dirt (or flour) under your fingernails, use your hands, and improvise:

4 cups of flour
1 tablespoon of salt
2 tablespoons of sugar
1.5 tablespoons of yeast
2 cups of almost-hot water

Before we go any further, let me lay your fears to rest. Making bread does not make you gay. In fact, I’ve heard the ladies rather fancy a guy who is not only intelligent, funny, and handsome, but a culinary master [ Editors note: This is very, very true. ] Cooking your own food is healthier, tastier, and sexier. What more do you need?

Directions: Basically, this takes about 20 minutes of work, total. If you can run a mile, you can do this. If you can’t run a mile, you’re on your way to becoming a chef. Consider it a kind of workout. It might not be pleasant at the time, but your body will thank you afterwards.

Mix all dry ingredients with dry ingredients and separately mix wet ingredients with wet ingredients. In this case, mix the yeast with the almost-hot water. If it’s too hot, it kills the yeast (yes, it’s alive. How cool is that?) and if it’s too cold, it will be like you in the morning—doing nothing at all and doing it really slow.

Allow the yeast to sit for a few moments, then combine the wet and dry ingredients. Mix them up, then knead the dough strong and smooth for a few minutes. Once you get bored and it has a consistent texture, make it into a nice ball and leave it for an hour to rise. During this time you can IM, play Madden, or study. After the hour is up, do the whole Play-Dough thing to it and make several snakes out of it—known in technical culinary circles as “loaves”—and let it rise for another hour.

Preheat the oven to 350 F and bake it for about ten minutes, then check regularly until the top is lightly browned, the underside is crusty and the center is no longer doughy. Once it looks pretty, take it out. You can stick a Kabar into it to make sure it’s actually done, but it probably is. And whatever it is, it’s better than Ramen. You can make this creative by adding herbs – don’t let me intimidate you – like Rosemary or Basil, pouring Olive Oil and Kosher salt over the top in the final moments it bakes, etc.

Eating better will mean that you play better. Not only this, but you’ll study better! What you are is what you eat, and if you’re eating junk food, you’ll feel like junk. This is for your own good: get off your butt and cook something.

I eat better at college than I do at home. I eat so well that Thanksgiving was nearly disappointing. Heck, why be nostalgic of Momma’s home cooking? Outdo her! And just for the record, no cooking project should ever begin with “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Yes, I mean you, Max.

Once you’ve cooked something, look at yourself in the mirror, guys. You still have (or don’t have) that Tyler Durden physique. You haven’t gained a lisp. You aren’t flapping your arms about, either. What you’ve done is take another step towards making yourself a self-sufficient man. You are domestic, but never domesticated. You might live in a house, but you’re no house pet. Men, reclaim the kitchen!

I end with an inspirational quote of Nietzsche from Beyond Good and Evil:

“Stupidity in the kitchen; woman as cook; the dreadful thoughtlessness with which the nourishment of the family and the master of the house is provided for! Woman does not understand what food means: and she wants to be the cook! It is through bad female cooks — through the complete absence of reason in the kitchen, that the evolution of man has been longest retarded and most harmed.”

Stewart Lundy doesn’t only eat to live. He lives to eat.


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