College . 04/10/2008 10:43 AM . Jonathan Carden

I’m a freshman in college.

As we’ve previously discussed: I can’t dance and will go to extremes to avoid dancing, AND I’m a very poor man with a penchant for ice pop binges.

Because these topics aren’t groundbreaking, and because I have been getting flack for not making my journalism “hard-hitting” enough, I’ve decided to really go all out on this next “piece.”

Well baby, call me Upton Sinclair, ‘cause you are about to enter the JUNGLE!

[Cue Guns N’ Roses]

Literally, you’re now in the jungle. It’s dark (usually), with patches of thickness, and it is itchy.

I want to talk about growing facial hair. As a freshman in college, I’ve noticed that basically every dude has now decided it’s time to grow up. No longer is his name Jimmy. No. It is now Jim. Respect his authority. His name is Jim, he is 19 years old, and he has facial hair. Hopefully?

Notice I didn’t specify what type of facial hair. That is because Jim doesn’t know what kind of facial hair he’s growing. He’s just letting it grow. He has no idea if he’s going to end up with a soul patch, the goatee, the fu Manchu, or the I-had-a-full-beard-until-the-july-4th-fire-of-’02-which-is-why-it’s-so-patchy. Either way, he’s going to have some hair on that angularly chubby [is this possible?] face of his, or his name isn’t Jimmy “Jim” Johnstone.

[ Quick aside: it is important to note that most high school / early college guys lie about how many times they shave a week. If you ask them, they’ll say every day. That’s a lie. I only really need to shave on major holidays; anything else is just for show. ]

Jim sees his classmate Bill (previously known as Billy) growing a goatee, which is primarily made up of 5 really long hairs hanging down [ what I call the “chin rat-tail” ] to the adams apple range. Jim also sees Tom growing sideburns which are growing precariously close to his neck/back hair. Lastly, Jim sees Rob.

Rob is the guy who was 14 years old and going through dispensable razors like I went through Neutrogena face cleansing pads [what, like you didn’t have acne?]. Rob can grow facial hair whenever and however he wants. Rob can literally ACCIDENTALLY grow a beard – i.e. “Aw dangit, I slept in two hours extra! Despite having shaved last night, my facial hair has become unmanageable!

I hate Rob.

Err…Jim hates Rob.

Know what? It doesn’t feel right to lie to you. There is no Jim.

That little episode was what we hard-hitting journalists like to call a lead-in. Keep up. I have much to teach you.

I can’t grow a mustache. I can’t grow a beard. I can’t grow a soul patch.
The only thing I can grow is a 5 o’clock shadow, although I’m wondering – at what point does it stop being a 5 o’clock shadow and start becoming “It has been over 72 hours since I shaved last and this is what has grown?”

I really don’t understand why I find myself with this problem. I grow something that looks like facial hair. It seems to thicken…it just never grows enough. I usually get to the point where you can tell my face has a tint if you’re close to me, but if you were to take a picture of me, it’d look like I was clean shaven.

[ Why can I grow sideburns down to my ankles but not a soul patch? ]

I think my problem must be related to the issue of my not being able to grow long hair, either. I didn’t get my haircut for like two months until today. My hair never grew past my eyebrows; however, the woman cutting my hair had a MOUNTAIN of hair on the ground by the time she was done. My theory is that most people’s hair grows longer, whereas I just grow more hair.

So my hair, similarly to a chia-pet’s, grows out instead of down.

* sigh *

My mom always told me that it was a gift not having to shave every day. Know what? I don’t care about shaving every day; I just want to be able to grow a mustache like Tom Selleck.

Tom Selleck embodies all that is “man.” His mustache screams “I, much like argyle, will never go out of style! LOOK AT ME. I MADE THIS MAN WHO HE IS. MAGNUM P.I. WAS COOL BECAUSE OF ME.”

I’ve always wondered if Selleck would have a Samson-like reaction to having his mustache shaved and morph into Rob Schneider, or something.

I can only hope that I become rich by the time that Selleck dies so that I can have experimental surgery to have my upper lip replaced with his. I want a mustache so thick that I can’t breathe out of my nose.

This brings me to my next point. Listen up ladies.

Stop “complaining” about how you “always” have to shave your mustache and goatee. POOR YOU. I don’t want to hear it. No one appreciates a bragger. You’re like that skinny chick (the one you hate) who is always saying, “I eat and eat and eat and just never gain a pound! Isn’t that weird? I don’t even exercise!”

On a serious note, girls, the myth that “if you shave/wax your facial hair it will grow back blacker and thicker” isn’t true. Trust me. I shaved everyday for a month one time. So, yeah, maybe run the ol’ blade across the whiskers now and again…?

* cough *

So what if I can’t grow facial hair?

So what if I’m broke?

So what if I can’t dance?

It is hard-hitting journalistic questions like these that need to be answered.

* strokes bare upper lip thoughtfully*

Jonathan Carden is a freshman in college.


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