I refuse to play stupid anymore. I won’t just sit here and be lied to by the one thing that has always been a consistent presence in my life. Entertaining me, making me laugh, and making me cry…

No.

No sir. Not this guy.

I will not let movies tell me bald-faced lies ever again.

I don’t care how irrelevant the character; you can’t just change the actor / actress from sequel to sequel. Sure, maybe Katie Holmes was a distraction in Batman Begins.

[Don’t even lie to me. You know that you sat there, conferring with your friends on whether the drooping left side of Katie Holmes’ face was caused by a mild stroke or countless beatings at the hands of a certain “Ethan Hunt.”]

But that doesn’t make it ok to replace Stroke-Face with Maggie “I’m-so-average-looking-that-I’m-probably-worse-looking-than-my-gay-cowboy-brother” Gyllenhaal. COME ON! Did you think I wouldn’t notice? Why couldn’t you have just killed off Katie Holmes at the end of Batman Begins? Wouldn’t have required a lot of work; just as she’s going on her bitter diatribe about missing the old Bruce Wayne after Bruce tells her he’s Batman, you could’ve had her gasp and fall as Alfred is standing behind her with a smoking gun saying, “I had to do it sir. She knew! It’s better this way.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve been lied to. I mean, face it, the Batman movies are probably the worst offenders of all! Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, GEORGE CLOONEY?

girlish sigh

I hate you Maggie Gyllenhaal. So, so much.

Anyways…I’ll give you 5 points if you can name two or more movies / sequels that changed actors / actresses.

-Jonathan Carden